Ode to Sub-Zero

Sub-Zero - what is NOT cool about this guy? First off, he's a damn ninja. Ninjas have always and will always be awesome. Anything contrary to this fact is wrong. Devil's advocates may point out that pirates are just as cool or better than ninjas. Even if you ignore the fact that most pirates are alcoholics, loud as hell, shitty when it comes to deadlines, prone to mutiny, have awful hygiene, hard to understand, and have criminal records as long Rip Van Winkle's dingleberries you will be hard pressed to find someone who would pay for their services let alone trust them.



Secondly, he can shoot ice out of his hands!



He can freeze your juice pops in no time flat, but he might end up uppercutting the shit out of them rendering them pretty much useless, but that would still be pretty damn cool...literally.



Go freeze something by shooting ice from your hands and tell me sex partners don't instantly line up like nerds at the premiere of Star Wars 6.



You're probably asking yourselves, "What about Batman, Godzilla, Hulk Hogan, Yoda, Ryu, General Patton, your mom, etc?"



Screw Batman.



In fact, screw the whole Batman franchise.



And just for questioning his ass-kicking abilities, Sub-Zero will beat the crap out of Superman, too. Sub- Zero hates clowns and people that wear capes.

If they have an ass and/or can freeze, Sub-Zero will win every time. In fact, the only time Chuck Norris was out with a cold was after he went drinking with Sub-Zero.


(Note: Sub-Zero has voted for Clint Eastwood for President in every election and will continue until Clint Eastwood actually runs for President. Sub-Zero doesn't even have tear ducts. The only thing Obama can take from Sub-Zero is a beatdown.)


If you still have any doubts, just look at him. Damn! He's the very definition of badass.




Glowing blue hands, scary white eye-balls, blue ninja uniform - he actually rewrites one of the most sacred of lyrics. "Wu Tang Clan [and Sub-Zero] ain't nothin' to fuck with!"


And fire? "What about fire?" you ask. Yoga flame would totally beat Icy Freeze, right? On a good day, fire is an even tie with ice, but after getting hit with a Teleport to Icy Counter combo it's impossible to get your ass un-kicked.



Oh and let's not forget about the ice sword! He wields a Conan The Barbarian-sized sword made of ice! WTF?!!! FTW!



Back, forward, down, forward, #2. Last time I tried that move it was highly embarrassing, gross, and required a mop.


When Sub-Zero goes back, forward, down, forward, #2, a shit-ton of awesomeness occurs in the most entertaining ways.



God bless you, Sub-Zero. God bless.