last american slacker: Terms and Conditions

The fine print is there for all to see. The font will be tiny, and the placement will obfuscate the importance of the message.

Yet the words are there. They outline the shortcomings and dangers of the glowing promises that proceed the minute gibberish at the bottom of the page. The common side effects can be staggering. The effectiveness of the cure can be rendered moot.

Yet the words are there nonetheless, and we are all subject to these terms and conditions.

But not all of them. We're not as flawed and frail as the world leads us to believe. We don't require the blanket prescription of wealth, beauty, and Percocet to function.

Interestingly, the wording and mannerisms of these conditions might sound all too familiar. Certain choice words mirror things that you might say or feel. After careful review you may realize that you may have written your own terms, but before we congratulate you on taking control of your life, let's read the fine print and poke at what's oozing between the lines.

Are all those side effects just perceived or have you thrown up or bled from your eyes enough times for the experience to be considered quantitative data? In my case, it's the former. There comes a point in your existence when you have a reference point on a shit ton of things (love, pain, joy, endurance, foods that will make you sick, etc.), but what lies outside that reference point is the same thing you experienced as a kid when you realized you have no idea what comes next - fear.

For children fear comes dressed as a clown or is the shadow at the far end of the room. As we grow up, we learn to rationalize these things away or even grow to enjoy being scared shitless.

But adult fears can't be laughed away. The fear doesn't turn out to be just a silhouette of the tree outside. Adult fears could care less about sunlight or the under-the-blanket rule. Adult fears can sway economies and nations. I have yet to see a shadow puppet do that.

And the more cerebral you are, the more the fear takes on a reality of it's own. I usually take comfort in my self control and rationality. It beats being impulsive which keeps apologies to a minimum. However, over the passed few weeks I've reviewed my terms and conditions.

A majority is based on fear, and the rest looks like conditions from other people.

But it's all my handwriting. I don't like the wording, and the terms and conditions leave me at a disadvantage.

Fuck that.

Fuck being so afraid all the time. Fuck leaving it all to chance and other people. All this shouldn't have made it passed the first edit.

Screw it. I'm starting from scratch.

I'm not as flawed or frail as I seem. I just forget about editing.

The future changes now.





I'm the winner this time around.