Thoughts of Valentine's Days Past

shart -1. a small, unintended defecation that occurs when one relaxes the anal sphincter to fart (blend of "shit" and "fart") 2. gas followed by mass.

- Urbandictionary.com


I love random conversations, and there are extra points for irreverent references to anything on urbandictionary.com. Sharting is one of those topics that makes me wanna...well...laugh until I shit myself.

But who in the hell does that? Who has actually shit on themselves in a non-fetish, non-last-hopped-up-night-in-Amsterdam-and-the-hooker-really-wants-shit-and-a-snowball-call kinda way? Most of that kinda crazy stuff I chock up to some sick, college-aged perv just making shit up since everything he knows about sex and life he learned from 2guys1horse.com.

It just can't be real.

Can it? Do normal, everyday, healthy people accidentally soil themselves on occasion?

Through a few excruciating conversations with random folks I guess that shitting oneself is as common as herpes in a New York subway.

And these people seem to be normal for the most part, but normal is a relative term. My disbelief was met with the matter of fact kind of reasoning of "So I was on my 10th beer, and I was a little gassy from the nachos I had earlier." The brutal honestly left no question in my mind.

Here's the deal, dude: this crap is real.

For some reason all the stories contain a theme of drinking booze like it's going outta style. Then, the storytellers seem to classify the extent in which the defecation had abruptly occurred. It's like they were meticulously relaying the last five seconds of the most epic event of all time except it contained alcohol and the Hershey squirts.

Again urbandictionary.com is the go-to site for the classification of accidental defecation. They are as follows:

Cat 1) Wet Sensation
Cat 2) Wet Underwear
Cat 3) Soak thru to inside of pants
Cat 4) Soak thru pants (Visible to general public)
Cat 5) Runs down to socks. (Oh my god, run for your life)

Anything of Category 4 or higher require showers. The lesser categories can be dealt with using alternative cleansing methods.

I for one have never fooped (a synonym for "sharted") my pants, but the stories retold to me makes me wonder if I've ever really partied like a rock star. These guys tell it like it was only a minor inconvenient joke. One guy even wiped up and proceeded to continue scouring the bar for ass. If that's not a bullgod, I don't know what is!

So shit, wassup with taking a shit in your pants, people? I wanna know about "your friend" that shit his pants while you guys were wicked drunk at O'Malley's circa 2001 or the Margarita Taco Volcano of Cinco de Mayo '99.


Let me know. I'm bored.

[This is actually a reprint of my old blog titled " Shart Anyone?" Yeah, I'm a lazy bum, but recycling is great for the environment. Plus, it does sum up my thoughts about Valentine's Day. BTW, subscribing to this blog is free for the first 2 billion people, and all proceeds go to clubbing baby seals.]