He's Not That Into You Because He's Me

So, he hasn't called yet? No date plans discussed for this weekend? Does he always invite a buddy of his along on your little outings?

Yeah, he's probably shy, lazy, fickle, and as neurotic as you are. Basically, he's me but way cooler. Hell, you're a pretty hot piece of ass. I know I am. If he hasn't called, he's definitely gay, which is why you'll never find a boyfriend like him because he already has a boyfriend that he calls because he likes him, but you - you are a beautiful woman sitting by yourself on a Wednesday night reading a book called "He's Just Not That into You." That's sort of like trying to learn how to speed read by reading a 200-page book called "Speed Reading for Slow Readers: the Special Olympic Edition"

And what if he's not gay? In that case, he's me - too tired from writing crazy shit like this all night, can't really remember what a real date actually feels like, growing out his hair because he doesn't really care about the ugly phase anymore since the dating slump is nearing record numbers. He's probably more excited about buying a new pair of running shoes than actually asking somebody - anybody? - out, and it's a bad sign when a straight dude gets excited about shoes for ANY reason.

And it's not that he hasn't noticed you. Oh, he's noticed! It's just he's dated models and hung-out with models, and it usually follows the same old patterns of booze, cocaine, jungle love, booze, jungle love, accidentally burning the bed sheets with some crazy new bong contraption, heroine, eating cold mac-n-cheese at three in the morning on the kitchen floor while the other is passed out on the bear skin rug, more sex, rehab, and the break-up (in its many dramatic forms). So, it's not you. You're just as hot or hotter that all those models. He just doesn't want to be the one that watches you do all those horrible things to yourself while he tries take his team all the way on Madden 2008. Yeah, he doesn't smoke or drink much, says "no" to drugs, hates to have his clothes thrown into the pool when he pisses you off, and knows that fights are a normal part of a healthy relationship (minus having "ashole" carved into his car, which wouldn't be as bad if it wasn't misspelled), BUT he loves your smokin' body, girl!



So there you have it! He's not that into you...because he's me, and I'm retarded. And you? You're normal - normally crazier than a sack of rabid weasels.

The End.