A Letter From the Valley of the Death

There are few things as humbling as puking your guts out at at three in the afternoon. You are re-introduced to reality, and reality is a bitch you've been dating for way too long.

She (or he) reminds you you're not as cool, strong, or funny as you think.

You are not Captain Awesome. You have limits, and today's limit is four big glasses of some orange juice-based cocktail... and a beer somewhere in the middle of all that.

Lesson No.7492: The saying "Liquor before beer - You're in the clear" is total crap! I've known this for some time now, but I'm a man of science. I'm always gathering new data and calibrating. Today's data still supports the failure of the cute rhyme, but it also reveals the following new questions:

1. Have I ever been able to consume more than four classes of orange juice in one drinking session? Let's ignore the fact there were other things mixed in - namely booze from Satan's teat. I have never realized the acidity of four glasses of OJ until today.

Check this out:

Orange juice has a pH of 3.30 - 4.15. That data doesn't really mean much until you compare it to ...say... stomach acid which has a pH range of 1-3. Holy crap! I'm a moron!

I had an unfamiliar burning in my chest and some kind of uneasiness in my throat. WebMD.com says these symptoms can be associated with heartburn. Whatever it is sucks goat nuts.

2. How much weight can you lose in 24 hrs? I'm not a world class athlete. I don't have televised weigh-ins. My body fat percentage is like the plight of the Tasmanian Devil - good to know but not enough to get all concerned. All in all I don't have weight issues, but I lost about 4 pounds in about a day. That's like cutting off a forearm which should kill you in most instances, because - let's not kid ourselves -when you're tore up from the floor up your body is basically dying. You're drifting in and out of consciousness, ingesting food is not happening, you're hot and you're cold (...you're yes and you're no...you're in and you're out...you're up and you're down), you have sweaty alcoholic sweat (yeah, even your sweat is sweating), and even water is hard to keep down. Basically, you're whole being is pissed off at you.

And I haven't even started on the massive amounts of puking that occurs while you hover around the valley of death. At first, you have the usual suspects exiting your system. Then, comes the scary stuff you can't even begin to identify. If it's glowing yellow, it's bile (or you were drinking antifreeze and/or the contents of a glow stick...if this is the case, all this crap is totally what you get). The stuff will be taste bitter and may be accompanied by an evil heaving welling from your soul.

3. Time/space warping occurs during your "down time"? You can close your eyes for a second and miss 20 minutes of "Pulp Fiction," and you have to be pretty trashed if you can fall asleep during all that messed-up shenanigans. When you do finally go down like the five dollar hooker you are you can sleep a whole day away, but that 12-24 nap challenges the classic definition of space and time.

Normally, you require a certain amount of space to move around and live. During this nap all you need is about a five square feet of space to die. You can spend a better part of a weekend on a couch or the bathroom floor (which has a soothing coolness that you've overlooked until now).



4. Does everyone but me swear off drinking or some other nonsense that has nothing to do with the root of the issue?

Here's the root of my issue: I'm a thirsty dude. I require lots of hydration, and sometimes I just happen to be at a bar. Don't get me wrong. I do love me some beer, but I also love milkshakes, juice, milk, Kool-Aid, green tea, sweet tea, grape soda, grape drink, slushies, etc.

I like drinking. It's refreshing and vital for me to stay alive. This isn't a rationalization of why my dumb ass is in the fetal position admiring my buddy's bathroom ceiling (You should check it out some time...when you for some strange reason are in his bathroom...in Pensacola, Florida...and you swear your gall bladder just shot out of your mouth and into toilet. It's a hardwood ceiling - very nice workmanship.)

Although I can't stop drinking, I can stop drinking liquor immediately after running a 5K.

See? That's realistic, specific, and logical. There's no weird "Ewww, I don't do Cuervo anymore" situations. Tequila is just a potent liquid. A shot of it has no evil spirit in it plotting your downfall. It was just that you mishandled your capacity to guzzle it down.. and the Cuervo? It won't miss you at all.

And the folks that transform into blathering, flailing idiots after drinking a certain form of booze are crazy deep down inside already. It's not the whiskey's fault. Firm, consistent use of a Tazer can resolve this behavioral aberration. Kicking and choking could be used if a Tazer is not available.

All in all - me getting drunk happens maybe 5.7 times a year. Me getting totally shitfaced happens even less than that, but me learning a lesson happens all the time.

Hopefully, I learn this pretty simple lesson.

I guess there's a reason Gatorade and gin are on different aisles.